Last time I wrote that we are "without excuse" and that I am "trying again." Turns out "trying again" isn't so easy after all. I was all "gung-ho" about it...and then, well, life.
I think I might start a recipe blog. Or a sewing blog. Or something that requires a little less of "me" and a little more of stuff I do.
That won't really happen. It's just how I'm feeling.
Charlie is my best friend, at the moment. I'm not sure what I would do without the little bugger. She's my smiles, she is my purpose. She is my company. She is my friend. It's a big role for such a little person to fill. . . . But she does. Every time she sleeps I miss her. I hardly know what to do with myself.
Isn't she cute?
Lately, though, I've been feeling that aside from Charlotte Jayne, I don't have a purpose. I feel like an old, dried husk. Who am I? What am I? I don't even think I know.
I sew. Sometimes. . . . Actually, what I really do is start things. I start lots of things. And I don't finish many of them. I have a partial skirt. I have a dinosaur toy I never sewed eyes onto. I have the fabric and notions for Charlie's Christmas gift, but I never even drew the pattern. I have 2.5 yards of pink minky and matching thread to make into a blanket for someone. I have 2 partially sewn baby boots that I may or may not finish before the snow melts again.
I cook. Often, actually. I like to do that. But lately I feel like I have been cooking one huge thing. . . . .and then we eat it left over for days while I don't cook.
I take photos. Actually, no. I don't really do that. I take photos of Charlie, but business photos don't really seem to be a thing. Someday, maybe.
I run a facebook group called Buy Nothing. That's pretty cool. It gives me a bit of fulfillment to see that something I am doing is helping others.
I don't clean much. I don't do the dishes much. I don't often do the laundry. I don't take out the trash. I don't hang out with friends. I don't really do anything but be a mommy to my baby. Now, please, before you all comment saying that being a mother is the best and most fulfilling job in the world and try to help me recognize that. . . .I know. Charlotte is the best thing that has ever happened to me. She is the most fulfilling job I have been given. But I am still not full.
In the back of my mind I know that God is the only one who can fill me. In the bottom of my heart I know that until I am longing for Him I will still continue to feel empty. Lonely. Purposeless.
I guess I just can't wrap my mind around it. I don't just want my time to be full. I want it to have meaning. But meaning escapes all that I do.
I don't want answers. I know all the answers.
I want friends. I want people to do life with. I want someone to be the one who seeks out a relationship with me. . . .because I'm tired of being the one who has to always do the looking.
Not too many people read this blog, but if you happen to see this, please don't pity me or write me with the answers. I don't need any more answers. I just need people to do life with.
