What Peace Does

"But after it's all done... Oh my gosh, it's so worth it!"

I've heard it a million and three times. I'm sure it's true... But right now--right now it's just hard. 

I mean, I sit here in my 5 room apartment (it's just me and Joshua here, by the way) and see 1000 things that need to be done. The laundry should be put away. Folded would be nice. There's a pair of jeans that came out of the dryer a bit damp still hanging over a chair. The humidifier tank is sitting full on the floor. Two empty laundry baskets clutter the floor. Bills are stacked on the table. Rolls of wrapping paper still lean on the crates by the counter. The coffee table is askew. The hatboxes that belong underneath it have taken on a new home near the chair. Four DVD cases sit on them... I'm not sure if all the discs are there. Dinner--I haven't made that in days. Weeks, maybe. Dishes pile. There's an empty bag on the floor near the table. Nothing has been cleaned properly in weeks. I'm sure I was the last one who vacuumed, though that was nearly a month ago. 

And that's just the living room. 

I haven't packed Joshua a lunch in two weeks either. Sometimes I'll set a bit of food aside in the fridge for him to snag with his other things in the morning. But it's not the same. I used to get up with him at the dark and early hour of 6:30am. And I enjoyed it. 

But now I sit on the couch reading a book so that I don't have to think of all the things I am too tired to do. When I go to work I wonder if I can make it through the day, and then once I do I come back home exhausted beyond comprehension. 

I was crying the other night once Joshua came home. I had him come and hold me and I told him all the things I wanted to do, but couldn't. To me, not being able to take care of my home, my family, my husband, is the worst thing. Maybe even to be compared to the way a good man might feel if he were unable to work to support his family for any reason or another. 

I told him all this and I cried.... 

And I cried....

He came to me as I lay in bed that night. He told me he had been angry that he was the only one doing things, but he realized now that I wasn't purposely letting everything go. He apologized to me. He told me that I was doing something too. I was loving him. I was carrying and growing our baby. I was doing things about the house when I wasn't too weak or too sick. And then he let me hold him, because he was crying. 

I knew he had been angry. It pained me nearly as much as being unable to do my job of caring for him and my home. But I couldn't do anything. When he came to me I felt such peace. 

I'm still exhausted. My darling little Charlie takes nearly every ounce of nutrition and energy and balance I have. But my husband is in this with me now too. And that peace--what came from him recognizing I'm doing the best I can--has allowed me to rest inside my soul enough that I feel able to do something again...even though I can't do much or I'll probably break another toe or end up in the bathroom over the toilet again. 

He brought home our date last night. (: He went to our favorite Chinese place and picked up my two favorites. Then he set up a big screen in the living room and we watched a movie cuddled together on the couch in our little home. 

My husband is a good man. He loves me. He cares for me. And he makes me feel special. I'm so proud to call him my husband. And, Charlie, he is going to be the most amazing Daddy you could ever hope for. 

For My Babies

I cried for Charlie last night. I was on the phone with a couple of parents of kids in the youth group. They questioned something I had told their son. I appreciate their asking. Hearing what they had, I probably would have done the same. 

Their son had asked about what would happen to a baby if it died. And I don't know. The Bible says in Romans that we all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. So I told him that. But I also told him that I hope God would have the grace to look at this child and take it to Himself when the child died if only because He died to save all of us from our sins--and the child couldn't yet make a decision. But, I also told him, I don't know. I don't know.

Why, oh why, do kids have to ask such hard questions? 

I broke down into tears. Tears that begged God to have mercy on my child, my children, and any lost heart that doesn't yet have the ability to speak. 

I believe that God is close to the children. He told us to have faith like a child, right? And a part of me believes that somehow children know God...even if as adults they forget him... 

But I don't know. 

And so I cry. My heart breaks for my Charlie, and I pray that God gives me the chance to show her/him everything He has for her/him. I desperately hope that He gives me this desire--that my child will be born and that my child will know Him. 

I pray and I cry out for all the people who don't know the heart of my Father. Because HE IS GOOD. And life without Him is so dark and empty. 

God, for Charlie, please make her/him healthy. God please grow my child strong. Grow their faith stronger. Give my child a heart for the lost and for the broken. Help my child to go out and to show Your LOVE and Your LIGHT to this dark and broken world. Give my child a wisdom and an understanding for people that will cause the words my child says to penetrate into the hearts of broken people--as only words from You can. 

God, have mercy on us. On my family, my husband, my children. Let us live to shine Your LOVE and Your LIGHT to everyone we meet. Help us to know You so that though us, others will know You too.

Amen

"Charlie"

"Her name is Charlie!" Benjamin told me when I asked what the baby's name should be.

A very faint blue line... 

We found out on December 23 that we were going to have a baby. I meant to wait until Joshua came home from work to tell him, but to be honest, I was such a sobbing mess of excitement and terror that I simply couldn't. One second I was laughing alone on the couch, and the next second I was alone on the couch sobbing my guts out. 

I don't really know why I couldn't control myself... I had known for days that I was pregnant. Or at least my hand did. The crazy thing kept wandering to my tummy, rubbed a few circles, and then I noticed and stopped it. I kept telling myself my hand wouldn't know...

So I waited as long as I could...and took a pregnancy test about a week and a half before it's guaranteed to work. That little blue line was so faint I almost thought I imagined it...but I knew I didn't, so I began sobbing on the couch. (I still had to do another one a few days later to "make sure.")

A few hours later, I took a box of poppy seed muffins to a bewildered Daddy for his lunch to show him that "our baby is the size of these poppy seeds." He kinda didn't know what to say. And now, a week later, he is still trying to figure it out. It's ok. He'll get it ;)

"Your baby is the size of these poppy seeds."

We decided that our "baby announcements" for family would be little board books with a note written in the cover of each. "Dear Grandma and Papa," the one for my parents began. Dad opened it and read a bit... "Who are Grandma and Papa?" he asked. Then, "No way..." And soon after that, "They're having a baby!" Then Mom realized it...and we had quite a  bit of excitement around the table. 

Benjamin has been kissing and cuddling my tummy every time he sees me. He is certain "she" will come out of my belly button and keeps trying to see if "she" is coming yet. Maybe the child is right, maybe it is a "she", but maybe it's a "he". Wouldn't Ben be surprised? 

Anyway, we all have a while to wait. We can't know until April at least. 

Girl or boy? Not sure, but everyone is very excited!

As for how I'm doing, no morning sickness yet, just a strange sinus flu and terrible fevers and practically living in the bathroom. Lots of hearing excitement from people who love us, and entreating them not to tell the world before we get a chance to. Who knows how long that will last... 

"Charlie" is going to be one preciously spoiled baby. First grandbaby on either side, and first great-grandbaby. First niece/nephew. And the child already has a "surrogate grandmother" as a dear coworker had already named herself in November. 

Welcome to the world, Baby "Charlie" Falk. I love you so dearly and I can't wait to hold you in my arms come September.