Without Excuse

For many months I have given over to the lie that God is neither present, nor does he want me. I have believed that my prayers bounce off the ceiling. I have seen the actions of people who are loudly proclaiming that they are following Him... And I haven't wanted it. I haven't wanted to try.

There have been a few times when I did try... Did pick up my Bible. Did pray. Did decide to give Him another chance... And then every single time, either I failed or He failed. And I would quit. 

What's the point? 

Well, today, I can't answer that question for you. 

All I can say is that today, I am willing to try again. I am willing to fail. Yeah, sure, I'm scared. I don't want to again prove to myself that the things I know deep inside my heart are lies. But regardless, I am trying again. 

I grew up in a Christian home. I was homeschooled, went to church on Sunday and Wednesday, and did extremely well in Bible Quiz. I know all the right answers. Because of Bible Quiz, I even know a lot of answers no one will ever need to apply in real life. Somehow, though, it seems that no matter how many right answers a person has, one can still grow weary. One can still lose heart. 

Don't get me wrong, I never lost faith. Not completely anyway. I can still fight for the Kingdom as well as anyone. I still remain as passionate as I have ever been when it comes to discussions or when I see that someone is unbelieving. I can encourage other Christians and do all the other "right" things... But inside, I am broken. 

I'm still broken. This post is not an announcement to the world that I have it all figured out. I'm simply writing to tell you where my heart is. It has been too long. I don't know if you remember the posts I used to write... I would write all the time about what God was doing in my life and my heart. 

Lately, I have been writing because I feel like I have to. Each post has come tediously off my fingertips, one painful word at a time. 

Maybe that will change. Maybe it won't. I really don't know. Again, I'm not writing to say I have it all figured out. I'm writing to say that I'm trying. 

Yesterday I decided that I would try again--that I was willing. Today I read countless articles posted by friends on facebook that spoke to where I am. I haven't seen them before. Maybe I have been blind. But today I saw, and today I was touched by the words God had left out for me to find. 

In Romans today, I read chapter 1. I'm starting slow so that I don't burn myself out again. Chapter 1, verses 18-21 spoke a truth that I have been realizing lately. The passage is about God's wrath on ungodliness and how He gives over the ungodly to their desires since He has already made the truth clear to them. Personally, today I take heart at what else the verse says.  

"...since what can be known about God is evident among them, because God has shown it to them. For His invisible attributes, that is, His eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly seen since the creation of the world, being understood through what He has made. [!!!] As a result, people are without excuse."

That is Romans 1:19-20. Emphasis mine... I'm just amazed that we I can go through life with blinders on, saying to myself that God doesn't hear, doesn't see, and doesn't care. This little verse says that he does--and has--since the beginning of time. 

I hope my little epiphany today has helped your heart. I hope that by sharing my struggle I have helped you in yours. I hope God can use these words today to call you back to His heart. Because His heart is OH, SO GOOD. It's only that in this sin filled world it is so easy to lose sight of the things that truly matter... Keep seeing the things that God set before you at the beginning of time. They are there so that we can be without excuse. Look at the things He has made--the sky, the clouds, the flowers, your children--and remember who He is. Remember who you are. 

Just Some News

Good evening, friends. I hope you are all well. Hopefully you are staying cool, also. Here in Michigan we are having record high temps every day. It's been mid-high 90s almost constantly. This wouldn't be quite so bad if I were just one person right now...but as it is, I have heat and exhaustion for two. Thanks to a two-hour long shopping trip this afternoon, I now have a swimsuit that fits over both myself and Charlie. Hopefully this helps the heat a bit by allowing me in the pool and lake over the next five weeks!

Five weeks! Oh dear, it seems so soon! And, my, it seems way too long to wait. Oh well. The nursery is being set up nicely. Joshua was able to bring home a couple of tall bookcases which have become nearly all the storage in Charlotte's room. I had him make a couple of hanging rods between them and they serve a dual purpose--show off her lovely little dresses and stabilize the shelving! We have little boxes and baskets all over the shelves acting as drawers to organize all her socks and outfits and toys... All we need to do now is move out our bookcase of "grown-up" books and move in a crib and hang up a few decorations. I think five weeks should be enough time for that. 

Everyone keeps asking if I have packed my hospital bag yet. No, I have not. People have been asking since 28 weeks. No, I had not done it then, either. I wasn't expecting her to come 12 weeks early. Next weekend is camping, and I need my suitcase for that. Then, I will come home and unpack, and start packing my hospital bag... 4 weeks before I expect to need it. I think that should be enough time...especially considering that Holland Hospital is completely prepared to provide absolutely everything I might need, including 3am meals after delivery and deodorant and toothpaste and shampoo. 

Not much else happening here. I still want a house of my own, so I keep looking. I'll have to stop soon, though, because our lease renews in a week. Sigh... At least then I will have a little bit of stability for 6 months, right? 

I guess that's all! Mostly just waiting around for Charlie to decide she is done being squished. Joshua suggested that if I eat enough it might just push her out... But I think I would have to eat a lot more than I am capable of. Might just have to wait. 

Just a Little Update

Hi all (: 

How's it going? 

For me, it's all good. Mostly. I have no real complaints at the moment. 

We were looking for a house. All options fell through--the last one just this afternoon. But surprisingly, I am ok with that. I don't want to be here in this apartment forever. Truly, I don't want to be here one more year. But it is what it is, and I am thankful for a roof over my head, a family to share it with, and most of all (lately, at least) a working air conditioner. 

In other news, my photo business is slowly beginning to roll forward. I've created five orders for five different customers so far in the wall art division of the business, and am currently in the process of scheduling a wedding and a family photo shoot. It's slow, sure, but I am excited to see where this goes. (: (If you're interested in setting up photos for yourself or a friend, or if you want to order something for your wall, email me at contact.afphoto@gmail.com.)

Other than that, life is basically "normal" on my end. Charlie is growing--about the size of a pineapple now, they say--and never stops moving. She has caused me to gain about 10 pounds in the past 2 weeks. She rarely allows me to sleep, but when she does, I will often refuse to get up until noon. All 17 inches of her little, 4-pound self is constantly wiggling and stretching, making Mama intensely uncomfortable at times... And yet, with all of this, I am so glad my baby girl is growing big and strong. I would never trade this experience over the past 9 months for one with less discomfort or more sleep because it would mean I was trading this special time with my little girl away as well. 

We are currently in the middle of "baby shower week." We were blessed at one on Sunday, and will be blessed with another on Saturday. Half of the empty Pack-N-Play box was filled with tags and packaging from the gifts given by just about 15 ladies. Charlotte, my dear, you are one loved little dear. And I'm afraid you don't have a choice in the matter... you will be dressed in pink and hairbows until you are at least 2. 

Charlie's Blog?

Sometimes I wonder if this is Charlie's blog. I mean, she is basically all I write about. Life isn't too exciting lately without that news. 

She's growing, as she should. Probably about 2.5 pounds now. Just a few days ago we began our 3rd trimester. Only a few more weeks to go! Well, like 12... Not so few. 

Baby girl still doesn't like when Mama sleeps. I had to leave my bed last night to venture to the poof that lives in our living room. I slept a little better there... Joshua noticed I was gone about 6 hours later and joined me in the living room. I woke up to see him sleeping there on the couch. I guess he missed me (:

Classes are going well (WIC, Lakeshore Pregnancy Center). I keep learning impractical things about babies and all the rules there are to keep now that we are learning more about everything. 

The house is a mess. I look at it and think of all the things we will have to change once Charlie starts moving around. We really don't live in a baby-proof place. 

I'm getting my business started... Alainya Falk Photo and Design. I don't have a website, but I'm making a blog and I have business cards on the way. There is a shop on Bonanza where people can order artwork... and I am trying to do portraits, but it seems no one has much interest in that. Everyone has an iPhone and most people are happy with that quality of photo and with selfies. Hopefully I will begin to find people who want portrait style photos and are willing to pay for them. 

Joshua and I started our ceramics class on Tuesday. It was...an interesting experience. The teacher started by going through the rule book...and a lot of bunny trails. It should have taken 5 minutes, but took nearer to 30. Then she began to demonstrate what we would be doing by cutting a large chunk off my block of clay and beginning to rip it with her hands. I asked if I should get a new block (I had paid for my clay and I didn't really understand why she was using it). She was offended by the question and said that she didn't think I'd mind if she showed the class with my clay. I kind of did... I wanted to be able to use my clay. She had her own block. 

Anyway, she went to her own block of clay and began to show again. This time I tried to follow along... But my pinch pots looked horrible. They got all wide and floppy. All the other people could make teacups and whatnot. Not me. So...she decided to come over and loudly console me saying that not everyone can do it perfectly the first time and there isn't really a wrong way to do it (though if there was, I'm certain her voice was saying I had found it). And she begins to make me an example to the class, though not directly, of how not to do it and teaching everyone how to do right what I was doing wrong. And then she stares at me, waiting for me to do it right. 

By this time I have tried 3 pots and smashed them all because they were horrible. She continues to watch me, and I am turning red and about ready to walk out, so I look up and calmly ask her to please not stare at me. She is offended again, but seriously, I don't want all the attention when I am struggling. And I don't want her hands pulling my clay. I'd rather work my way through it and ask for help if I need it than end up with 100 beautiful finished products that I didn't make. If I need help, I'll ask for it, and I will keep my hands on my clay and struggle til it works or dies. I don't want the teacher making it for me or staring at me while I struggle. 

Anyway, that was a hard class. I had been the one who wanted to go, so I paid for it and dragged Joshua along. Then, he was the one having fun and I was the one who couldn't stand to be there. Oh well. 

I did have a chance to try wheel throwing at the end for a few minutes, and that went well. I centered my 3 pieces all on my own...But I made them too thin and lost the top off each one. I'll need more practice at that. 

Anyway, that's the big excitement of the week. I'm going up north and leaving Joshua here for the weekend to fend for himself. I have a cousin's baby shower to attend and a party to be at. I quit my job at Anna's House in Holland last week. They don't have hours for more than one person and kept telling me not to bother coming in. It was not worth it any longer to stay there when I was getting 1.5 hours one week and 0 the next. 

That's all, I think. More news another time. Thanks to the few of you who actually care to read my nonsense. 

I'll see ya. 

Mother's Day and Charlie

This is the last chance I will have to write for about a week... So I'm writing for Mother's Day early. 

Happy Mother's Day to all you moms who are reading this--Especially mine! You're amazing.

In other news, Charlie finally won her battle today. I bought 2 pairs of maternity pants today and I am wearing one at the moment. Big girl... She keeps growing, kicking, pushing, squirming. It's beautiful, really, knowing this little one has made me a Mama. 

That said, today is my very first Mother's Day! I received a beautiful card in the mail from my own dear mother blessing me and wishing me a happy Mother's Day. How special that reminder is. (:

Other than feeling more and more pregnant every day, I have been working at Anna's House as a hostess a few days every week. This upcoming week I will be there almost every day, thanks to Tulip Time. It's a crazy time in Holland, MI. 

Garage sales are popping up everywhere. With garage sales come a ton of great deals on baby clothes and toys! I am in mommy heaven... It's so fun to play dress up with Charlie--and she isn't even here yet!

Joshua and I are doing well. I keep saying that we aren't supposed to be doing "good enough" at everything... We are in month 7 (almost 8) of marriage and we have a long time to figure it out and get it all right. However, that doesn't mean marriage isn't hard. Take two very different people who have very different opinions and had very different lives and smash them and all their things into 5 little rooms for 8 months and just take a look and see how pretty it is. It's not pretty some days. But no matter what day, I wouldn't trade my Joshua for any other, perfect, "better" man. I'm excited to get "good enough" at more and more things each year, and each year find more things we aren't "good enough" at for the rest of our lives. Why? Because I decided a year and 4 months ago that I would love him. Forever. And that's all there is to it.  

Tulip Time is coming, summer is around the corner, and I have already sunburned my fair, fair skin 3 times. But the sunshine is good and I can not complain. 

Joshua is home... That's all for today. See you later!

Baked Apples

Hello (:

I'm not really 100% sure what to write today, but I thought I should write something. Usually I come to this page with a plan for what I will be telling you...but today is not that day. I suppose I will start with some news.

Charlie is a little girl...(: Everyone is thrilled.
Her name is Charlotte Jayne Falk, after her Papa Jay.
My darling only listens to her daddy...but does absolutely everything he tells her to.

I haven't been getting many hours at work lately, so I have decided to finally start using my photos to start a business. (If you're interested in looking, everything is online at Bonanza.com) I've sold one and a half things, given a few away, bought one for myself, and am currently at somewhat negative profits. Hopefully things pick up a little and it goes positive...

This is a sample of something I am selling on my Bonanza shop.
I made this one for us...for Charlotte. Isn't she beautiful?

Today is a rainy and cloudy, chilly spring Friday. Since it's nearly May, however, there are a million garage sales. And I'm pretty sure that's not an exaggeration. Mom and I are going out to see what we can find once Benjamin goes to school.

Oh, this is probably the best thing that happened this week. I made baked apples. They were seriously amazing. Here's the recipe.

6 Granny Smith apples, cored (be careful not to break the skin on the bottom because you don't want the filling to come out.)
1/2 cup of white sugar (you could probably use any kind... I used white.)
1 teaspoon cinnamon (I used more)
1/4 teaspoon nutmeg (I used more)
Butter
Apple juice

Mix together the cinnamon, nutmeg, and sugar. Fill the apples with the sugar mixture. Top each apple with a teaspoon of butter. Place all apples in a casserole dish. Pour in apple juice about 3/4-1 inch deep around the apples. Cover with foil and bake for 45 minutes (up to 1 hour) at 325.

Super easy. Amazing. We ate ours steaming out of the oven with ice cream on top. It was quite possibly the best dessert I've eaten.

Well, I think that's all for today. Thanks for reading while I rambled (:
See you soon.

Charlotte!

Hello, all! I forgot to write... Well, actually, I became preoccupied with sunshine and the beach. Also photos and businesses. 

But Charlie, as I promised I would tell you, is a beautiful baby girl! She already has Mama gushing about how proud I am... Daddy is wrapped up around her tiny little finger... Papa thinks she looks beautiful in royal blue... Auntie is already trying to buy EVERYTHING off the registries... 

She is a special little girl. 

One thing though, the doctor is concerned about a small spot they saw in her heart. If you would all join me in praying for God to keep my little miracle healthy and strong I would forever be indebted to you. 

Thanks! More posts soon, hopefully...and eventually pictures. (:

This Must be Charlie's Blog...

Hello, all! Good to see you again. 

I thought it was about time to write... It has been a while. 

Joshua and I just came home from a Family Life Weekend to Remember marriage conference. It was such a blessing for us. We learned so much about each other, about men(me) and women(him) in general, and how to better handle our relationship. In just 3 days we watched it go through a wonderful growth spurt. I'd definitely recommend it to anyone who is married or about to be married as an amazing tool to grow who you are as a couple. 

That being said, we are home now... and I'm exhausted. I'm definitely not used to going to classes/lectures all day like I used to be! 

Charlie is growing nice and strong. I felt a little kick with my hand this morning! This Mama was so proud.... (: Soon Daddy will be able to feel it too, and he is super excited. 

Friday is our 20-week ultrasound, and, providing Charlie behaves and doesn't decide to play hide and seek, we will finally know if we get to have a daughter or a son!

According to the tiny prints gender predictor quiz, Charlie is supposed to be a boy. Hmm... This Mama doesn't agree. But we will see. Friday. Oh, so thrilled!

Baby showers are being planned--I am so blessed! A friend just offered me newborn clothes if I have a baby girl. Another friend wants to help me make all kinds of decorations for the nursery. My sister crocheted a GORGEOUS star afghan for the baby, and Joshua's grandma gave us a lovely crocheted ripple afghan as well. My mom, Grandma to be, can't keep away from baby clothes and only recently stopped buying. I think she is finally waiting to know girl or boy--but that didn't stop her before. I have a handful of lovely outfits for each gender in my closet waiting. My daddy, Papa to be, is maybe the most thrilled of all, Joshua and I excluded... I don't often see him get excited--but my oh my is he excited about this grandbaby!

It's so cool to see how God provides. Charlie doesn't even have a (known) gender yet and people are already helping out and giving generously.  

I'll try to update everyone on Friday after we see our baby again(:

A Letter to Charlie

Dearest Charlie,

I sometimes regret bringing you into this world. It's cold. It's wet. And that aside from the fact that it's a drizzling 34*F today. 

Attitudes are cold. Relationships are hard. Promises don't hold true. And faces are wet in tears because of it. 

But, my darling, I love you. And you are coming into this world... I'd rather say you're coming into my life. And though the people here are far from perfect, they will love you too. Daddy talks to you...soon you will hear him. 

You, my child, are already so vibrant and full of life. Every time I hear your heartbeat pounding away I know you are strong. When I feel you kick your feet I smile because I know you are full of life. 

Baby, remember something for me. Life is of God, and only from Him. If you are full of life it is because He has a plan for you. In just a few months you will come to join us in this cold, hard world. Be the life and the light He created you to be. 

Dearest Charlie... 

I love you. 

Always, Mama

To Charlie

Charlie, my love, Daddy and I had a chance to see you the other day. It was January 28. You were only 9.5 weeks! You looked like a little bean. We have pictures... But it's nearly impossible to tell anything about you in them. 

Now, you're getting so big! You're the size of a kiwi fruit. Daddy and I went to the doctor yesterday and she helped us hear your heartbeat. It's so fast! I'm proud of you, my little darling. You're doing so well. 

I just moved all your little clothes and toys to a dresser by Mama's bed. We have girl clothes and boy clothes because you haven't told us yet what you are! That's also why Daddy doesn't want to talk about your name yet. So we will wait until April... Near the end of April. Then the doctor will help us look again and she will give us more pictures and we will see your beautiful face and arms and legs... And then we will name you.

Dear Charlie, we are all so thrilled to have you! Grandma and Papa just light up when they see how my tummy is growing with you inside. You have to believe we had the hardest time getting anyone to stay quiet about it--especially your aunts and Grandma on Daddy's side!

Just a short post today... Mama has to go to work. Well, I guess *we* have to go to work. Love you, Baby. 

What Peace Does

"But after it's all done... Oh my gosh, it's so worth it!"

I've heard it a million and three times. I'm sure it's true... But right now--right now it's just hard. 

I mean, I sit here in my 5 room apartment (it's just me and Joshua here, by the way) and see 1000 things that need to be done. The laundry should be put away. Folded would be nice. There's a pair of jeans that came out of the dryer a bit damp still hanging over a chair. The humidifier tank is sitting full on the floor. Two empty laundry baskets clutter the floor. Bills are stacked on the table. Rolls of wrapping paper still lean on the crates by the counter. The coffee table is askew. The hatboxes that belong underneath it have taken on a new home near the chair. Four DVD cases sit on them... I'm not sure if all the discs are there. Dinner--I haven't made that in days. Weeks, maybe. Dishes pile. There's an empty bag on the floor near the table. Nothing has been cleaned properly in weeks. I'm sure I was the last one who vacuumed, though that was nearly a month ago. 

And that's just the living room. 

I haven't packed Joshua a lunch in two weeks either. Sometimes I'll set a bit of food aside in the fridge for him to snag with his other things in the morning. But it's not the same. I used to get up with him at the dark and early hour of 6:30am. And I enjoyed it. 

But now I sit on the couch reading a book so that I don't have to think of all the things I am too tired to do. When I go to work I wonder if I can make it through the day, and then once I do I come back home exhausted beyond comprehension. 

I was crying the other night once Joshua came home. I had him come and hold me and I told him all the things I wanted to do, but couldn't. To me, not being able to take care of my home, my family, my husband, is the worst thing. Maybe even to be compared to the way a good man might feel if he were unable to work to support his family for any reason or another. 

I told him all this and I cried.... 

And I cried....

He came to me as I lay in bed that night. He told me he had been angry that he was the only one doing things, but he realized now that I wasn't purposely letting everything go. He apologized to me. He told me that I was doing something too. I was loving him. I was carrying and growing our baby. I was doing things about the house when I wasn't too weak or too sick. And then he let me hold him, because he was crying. 

I knew he had been angry. It pained me nearly as much as being unable to do my job of caring for him and my home. But I couldn't do anything. When he came to me I felt such peace. 

I'm still exhausted. My darling little Charlie takes nearly every ounce of nutrition and energy and balance I have. But my husband is in this with me now too. And that peace--what came from him recognizing I'm doing the best I can--has allowed me to rest inside my soul enough that I feel able to do something again...even though I can't do much or I'll probably break another toe or end up in the bathroom over the toilet again. 

He brought home our date last night. (: He went to our favorite Chinese place and picked up my two favorites. Then he set up a big screen in the living room and we watched a movie cuddled together on the couch in our little home. 

My husband is a good man. He loves me. He cares for me. And he makes me feel special. I'm so proud to call him my husband. And, Charlie, he is going to be the most amazing Daddy you could ever hope for. 

For My Babies

I cried for Charlie last night. I was on the phone with a couple of parents of kids in the youth group. They questioned something I had told their son. I appreciate their asking. Hearing what they had, I probably would have done the same. 

Their son had asked about what would happen to a baby if it died. And I don't know. The Bible says in Romans that we all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. So I told him that. But I also told him that I hope God would have the grace to look at this child and take it to Himself when the child died if only because He died to save all of us from our sins--and the child couldn't yet make a decision. But, I also told him, I don't know. I don't know.

Why, oh why, do kids have to ask such hard questions? 

I broke down into tears. Tears that begged God to have mercy on my child, my children, and any lost heart that doesn't yet have the ability to speak. 

I believe that God is close to the children. He told us to have faith like a child, right? And a part of me believes that somehow children know God...even if as adults they forget him... 

But I don't know. 

And so I cry. My heart breaks for my Charlie, and I pray that God gives me the chance to show her/him everything He has for her/him. I desperately hope that He gives me this desire--that my child will be born and that my child will know Him. 

I pray and I cry out for all the people who don't know the heart of my Father. Because HE IS GOOD. And life without Him is so dark and empty. 

God, for Charlie, please make her/him healthy. God please grow my child strong. Grow their faith stronger. Give my child a heart for the lost and for the broken. Help my child to go out and to show Your LOVE and Your LIGHT to this dark and broken world. Give my child a wisdom and an understanding for people that will cause the words my child says to penetrate into the hearts of broken people--as only words from You can. 

God, have mercy on us. On my family, my husband, my children. Let us live to shine Your LOVE and Your LIGHT to everyone we meet. Help us to know You so that though us, others will know You too.

Amen

"Charlie"

"Her name is Charlie!" Benjamin told me when I asked what the baby's name should be.

A very faint blue line... 

We found out on December 23 that we were going to have a baby. I meant to wait until Joshua came home from work to tell him, but to be honest, I was such a sobbing mess of excitement and terror that I simply couldn't. One second I was laughing alone on the couch, and the next second I was alone on the couch sobbing my guts out. 

I don't really know why I couldn't control myself... I had known for days that I was pregnant. Or at least my hand did. The crazy thing kept wandering to my tummy, rubbed a few circles, and then I noticed and stopped it. I kept telling myself my hand wouldn't know...

So I waited as long as I could...and took a pregnancy test about a week and a half before it's guaranteed to work. That little blue line was so faint I almost thought I imagined it...but I knew I didn't, so I began sobbing on the couch. (I still had to do another one a few days later to "make sure.")

A few hours later, I took a box of poppy seed muffins to a bewildered Daddy for his lunch to show him that "our baby is the size of these poppy seeds." He kinda didn't know what to say. And now, a week later, he is still trying to figure it out. It's ok. He'll get it ;)

"Your baby is the size of these poppy seeds."

We decided that our "baby announcements" for family would be little board books with a note written in the cover of each. "Dear Grandma and Papa," the one for my parents began. Dad opened it and read a bit... "Who are Grandma and Papa?" he asked. Then, "No way..." And soon after that, "They're having a baby!" Then Mom realized it...and we had quite a  bit of excitement around the table. 

Benjamin has been kissing and cuddling my tummy every time he sees me. He is certain "she" will come out of my belly button and keeps trying to see if "she" is coming yet. Maybe the child is right, maybe it is a "she", but maybe it's a "he". Wouldn't Ben be surprised? 

Anyway, we all have a while to wait. We can't know until April at least. 

Girl or boy? Not sure, but everyone is very excited!

As for how I'm doing, no morning sickness yet, just a strange sinus flu and terrible fevers and practically living in the bathroom. Lots of hearing excitement from people who love us, and entreating them not to tell the world before we get a chance to. Who knows how long that will last... 

"Charlie" is going to be one preciously spoiled baby. First grandbaby on either side, and first great-grandbaby. First niece/nephew. And the child already has a "surrogate grandmother" as a dear coworker had already named herself in November. 

Welcome to the world, Baby "Charlie" Falk. I love you so dearly and I can't wait to hold you in my arms come September.