Confidence?

I am a confident person. I know this because I can do anything I set out to do. I know it because the people who know me best say I can do anything I set my mind to. Because they say that they wish they were confident like me. Because they are unsure of themselves and what they can do...and I can just do things.

According to Webster, the definition of confidence is:

Confidence:

1 :  a :  a feeling or consciousness of one's powers or of reliance on one's circumstances <had perfect confidence in her ability to succeed> <met the risk with brash confidence>

b :  faith or belief that one will act in a right, proper, or effective way <have confidence in a leader>

2 :  the quality or state of being certain :  certitude <they had every confidence of success>

That's fine... But as a Christ-follower, I know there is more to it than that. Confidence is being certain of who you are...IN CHRIST. It is knowing that THROUGH CHRIST you can do all things. It is complete assurance of the fact that you are EVERY SINGLE PIECE AND PART OF WHO HE SAYS YOU ARE.

I realized something today. 

I am not confident. 

Yeah, sure, not much has changed on the outside, and I might still look like I have it all together, but on the inside there is a girl who is honestly unable to declare that she is precious to God. She can't state that she has power or authority, because she doesn't believe she is worth it. She can't dance, because honestly, her worth is based on what the people in this world think, and they would think it strange. 

I realized in lectures that I don't have it all together. I saw that I have more broken pieces than I know what to do with. 

And I really truly don't know what to do from here. 

Yeah, Bible answer... Sunday school trained me well. Give it to Jesus. Just open your hands and give it to Jesus. You can't hold His plans for you when your hands are full of broken pieces. 

Yeah, I know that! But I somehow don't know that I am precious to Him. I don't know it in my heart. I know YOU are. I know HE is. I know the girl beside me is. But me? Nah. 

If confidence is being sure of the person you are in Christ, I certainly have a long way to go before that fact walks an 18 inch mile into my heart. 

Are You Really Here, God?

So, this week has been rough. I've been very busy with homework, people, learning to manage a new schedule, and trying to still fit in Bible and quiet time. Honestly, the quiet time has mostly fallen by the wayside. Bible, well, that's easy. Didn't use to be, but I have finally gotten back in the habit of reading it and I dislike being half way through a day without having spent any time at all in it. 

As before, the people are wonderful. Little differences are working out and we are all easing into a new season of living with new people, doing new things, and living in a new place. It's rocky at times, but that's life.

Ministry placements (fancy title for mandatory labor ;) ) are going well. People are figuring out what it is they are to be doing, exactly. I clean toilets and the cafe with Isaiah for mine. They call it base ops, which is a very cool and misleading title for what it actually is... But it's not bad. Today I played music and danced around the bathroom toilet as I cleaned. 

During our lecture today, Netani had us take a few minutes to be quiet and listen to God. Afterwards, he asked if anyone had something God had communicated to them that they would share. To me, it seemed that in that time and the prayer time that followed, most people said something. I, though, felt as though I was standing to the side -- outside looking in -- as everyone else heard from my God...and as He ignored me. 

That's probably the worst part about today. I don't feel like he is talking to me. I can't feel him. I can't see him. I can't hear him. He isn't communicating with me in any way I know and I feel lost and left alone. If I didn't believe that he will never abandon me, I would be certain he had. 

I don't know if you can relate at all to this feeling, but honestly, it is just horrible. 

I guess in some ways it is my fault, or maybe in a lot of ways, and I know I need to seek him more. It's just really hard sometimes. Right now, I feel as though even if I do seek him, I still won't hear from him and nothing will change. 

I KNOW God speaks to me. I KNOW God shows me. I KNOW God is near me. I KNOW God will never leave me. I KNOW God hears me. I KNOW God LOVES me. 

Truth sometimes has to be declared so that it can be believed. Pray with me that this becomes real in my heart? It is the worst feeling in the world to feel isolated from God. The absolute worst. 

To Australia–Just Getting There

Well, hey. It's been an adventure. I left Holland, er, Zeeland. . . At 11:00am ish on the 15th. It was a long trip and that was only the beginning. My head has been spinning since I stepped out of the car in the parking garage at O'Hare. Thank God I had Mom and Dad there to walk me through the baby steps of checking my bag.  

I was very early, so I started with waiting. I wanted to call and let people know I'd be fine on that side of the airport, but the pay phone cost $10/minute if you used a card. I didn't have change so I went to find some. 

Eventually I got change by paying a $1 donation for glasses to kids in Africa and he gave me quarters. Then he offered his phone to me because he had apparently just realized that's what I needed it for. 

I was feeling alone and scared as I sat at my gate waiting. There was a man there from NC and he talked to me and encouraged me saying that 6 months was a good amount of time. I'd be ok, have fun, get a good taste of Australia, and still get to come home in the end.  He was right, of course. 

Since spring break I have been scared of planes and flying. I'm thinking I'm actually only scared of Spirit Airlines. American and Quantas are just fine (: 

From Chicago to LA I sat next to a Jewish woman. She asked what sort if Christian I was and what I told her was that I believe in Jesus and that the Bible is entirely Truth. I think that denominational boundaries are unnecessary and often get in the way, dividing people who should be united under one Name. 

She laughed and said she liked that answer and then told me about a synagogue she visited in Israel last year. 

This synagogue was split down the middle between Greek Orthodox and (I believe) Roman Catholic. Half was for one "faith" and the other half for the other. It was obvious the difference she said. 

She spoke of 3 windows in this church. There was one on each side and another in the middle of the division. At one time–50 years ago–the windows needed fixing. So they each fixed their respective window, and, both believing it was their responsibility to fix the middle one, well... One put up a ladder to fix it and an argument began. In the end, no agreement was reached on who should fix the window, so today it sits with a ladder standing smack in the middle of it unfixed. Neither would remove the ladder either. 

Huh... Anyway, that's that. Stupid division. 

Now to the exciting part. My flight from LA was late. When I got to Brisbane after 13 hours of flying, my passport wouldn't scan, lines were too long, I couldn't keep my food, and my checked backpack wouldn't show up. After getting the rest settled, I went to baggage service to file it as lost. I checked the carousel again just to be sure and this time it was there. I took it and got in line for quarantine. It took forever. Then I had to check my bag again...but I was too close to my flight leaving so he said I had to take it with me. I rushed outside to catch a bus...a late bus... And piled on with all the other flustered people dragging check baggage. Took a long time to load all of us, and when we finally got moving it was nearly 10 minutes before we arrived at the domestic terminal. Then I had to recheck my bag. Again. They took it and told me I couldn't make my flight. I was assigned a new one, which I now sit waiting for, and sent on my way. She wouldn't help me find a number or call or give me information or anything. The pay phone took Australian change, which I don't have, so I continued through security. After getting through there I was able to find some people at a desk who would help me. I used their internet to find the number for YWAM and then their phone to call. A few tries got me what I needed and I am assured I will have someone to meet me in Townsville. 

Food is exceedingly expensive. $7 sub and a $4 water... ATM won't work for cash. Tired. Sore. So weary of traveling.  

I ran into Agga, my seat mate from the LA-Brisbane flight. She told me they would give me a meal voucher for $20 to compensate for the inconvenience. I'd eaten already, but not enough, so I got this from a service desk and then she and I went to get lunch together. I had some $10 fruit cup... Goodness! I hope this isn't an Australia thing.  But it was free and I needed the sugar. 

Internet was acquired, and I was able to say hello back home. Joshua and I got to Skype and the family texted for a minute. I miss everyone. I cried myself to sleep last night and wished Joshua was holding me. 

All the encouragement and prayers are so greatly appreciated. I love you all. I am so blessed. 

Please feel free to share this post and any others on your fb wall, mine,  or anywhere. Thanks (: If you think someone will pray, send the link. Not just for me, but for the whole team. All are arriving in the next three days so prayers for safety and blessings in travel would be awesome. Also that we all "click" and that God glues us together as a team very quickly. 

Love to all and thanks again, 
Alainya

Hard Goodbyes

For so long it felt unreal. I would say I was leaving in July, in a month, in two weeks, in 10 days, on the fifteenth... And it never really hits home until you have to say goodbye. 

Goodbye to Benjamin. You are only three years old... When I come home you will be four. I hope you don't ever feel like I wanted to leave you. You're trouble, but I love you to pieces. I'll do my best to find a kangaroo, just for you, and when I find him I'll remember his pocket is "in [your] face!" I love you, Bug.

Goodbye to Daddy. I'm going to miss you so much. Nearly every time I leave, I miss you first. I love you.

Goodbye, Mommy. I love you tons. I'm going to miss my friend; my comforter. Your advice, though I rebel against it, and your hugs will be without replacement until I come home.

Goodbye, Adam. You're already gone. I love you. You're a great kid. I'm going to miss you terribly. Play your game well. Make me proud. You always do. Take care of Mom for me. She will need your hugs. Work hard. Do well in school. Don't give up. You're the best.

Goodbye to David. You're such a nice guy. I'm sure you'll be taller than me in December.... Try not to squash me? In a day or two I am sure I will miss your chatter. I love you. Work hard in school and piano. Don't give your teachers too much trouble, alright? ;) 

Goodbye, Natalie, my sister. I don't know what I'm going to do without you. Yeah, you're a pain at times...a really big pain...but when I need a friend you're there with a hug and ready to listen to me vent. You're the best sister I could have asked for. You won't be home when I call... Maybe you can make time for a chat every now and then anyway? Do well in school. You're too smart for them. Everyone knows that. Take care of Grandma and Grandpa... Don't let things get too boring around there. Maybe you can show them this blog for me? Thanks, Sis. I love you. 

Goodbye, Joshua. Always friends? Let's take some time with God and figure this thing out. For sure. I Love you. I'm going to miss you--heck, I already do. This isn't going to be easy, but God knows eventually we will know it was worth it. I'll see you in December. <3

Goodbye to Sadie, our new little puppy. I hope you remember me when I come home.

Goodbye grandmas and grandpas, aunts and uncles, and cousins. 

Goodbye house I haven't lived in for even a year.

Goodbye friends.

Goodbye Michigan.

Goodbye home.

Goodbye walks by the stream. 

Goodbye stars.

Goodbye mulberries.

The tears that come... You'd never know it could be so hard. I know I'm doing what God wants from me, and I know I'm coming back, but it doesn't make it easy to leave everything and everyone I have loved.

This I know: God is for Me

…[if]…My people who are called by My name humble themselves, pray and seek My face, and turn from their evil ways, then I will hear from heaven, forgive their sin, and heal their land. My eyes will now be open and My ears attentive to prayer from this place.  -2 Chronicles 7:14-15

One week from tomorrow, I set out on a journey. I have known of it a while, and so have many of you. It started with these words from God: “Fill out your Australia application.” If those words were not clear, I would probably have chickened out by now.

If he had said to simply fill out the application, I would be saying, “to where? Zambia!? Ok! I can’t wait to get there…” But no. He SAID Australia.

A few years ago when Mom and I were dreaming about a trip we plan to take in 10-15 years, she suggested Australia as a destination. My response? “I have no interest in going to Australia. None at all. I’ve never wanted to go there.” So we chose a new place. .

I have known for the past few months that I was going on this trip for me. Not because I want to, because heaven knows I usually don’t. A tear-filled episode last night confirmed this thought for me when a friend suggested that this would be a time for me to learn and grow in ways I can only learn and grow there. And maybe in the meantime, she said, you will end up sharing Christ with the people you encounter.

One thing is for sure, the devil does not want me to go. He is sinking his claws into me, as literally as that is possible, and doing all he can to discourage me, scare me, and remind me that I never wanted to go to Australia. He tells me how far from home it is, and about how I don’t know anyone there. He tells me that I will have limited (if any) communication with home, since the 14 hour time difference will create a huge barrier. One thing, though, where I can see and know he has lost the fight is this.

I AM GOING to Australia. GOD WILL PROVIDE for me in Australia. GOD IS PROTECTING me here, and HE WILL BE PROTECTING me there. HE WILL TEACH me things I can not even dream. I know HIS ANGELS STAND WITH ME. And I know that HE WILL BE WITH ME. I know that HE WILL HEAR ME. I know that HE WILL FORGIVE ME. And I know that MY GOD IS FOR ME.

What then are we to say about these things? If God is for us, who is against us?  -Romans 8:31 

You Yourself have recorded my wanderings. Put my tears in your bottle. Are they not your records? Then my enemies will retreat on the day when I call. This I know: God is for me.    -Psalm 56:8-9