Are You Really Here, God?

So, this week has been rough. I've been very busy with homework, people, learning to manage a new schedule, and trying to still fit in Bible and quiet time. Honestly, the quiet time has mostly fallen by the wayside. Bible, well, that's easy. Didn't use to be, but I have finally gotten back in the habit of reading it and I dislike being half way through a day without having spent any time at all in it. 

As before, the people are wonderful. Little differences are working out and we are all easing into a new season of living with new people, doing new things, and living in a new place. It's rocky at times, but that's life.

Ministry placements (fancy title for mandatory labor ;) ) are going well. People are figuring out what it is they are to be doing, exactly. I clean toilets and the cafe with Isaiah for mine. They call it base ops, which is a very cool and misleading title for what it actually is... But it's not bad. Today I played music and danced around the bathroom toilet as I cleaned. 

During our lecture today, Netani had us take a few minutes to be quiet and listen to God. Afterwards, he asked if anyone had something God had communicated to them that they would share. To me, it seemed that in that time and the prayer time that followed, most people said something. I, though, felt as though I was standing to the side -- outside looking in -- as everyone else heard from my God...and as He ignored me. 

That's probably the worst part about today. I don't feel like he is talking to me. I can't feel him. I can't see him. I can't hear him. He isn't communicating with me in any way I know and I feel lost and left alone. If I didn't believe that he will never abandon me, I would be certain he had. 

I don't know if you can relate at all to this feeling, but honestly, it is just horrible. 

I guess in some ways it is my fault, or maybe in a lot of ways, and I know I need to seek him more. It's just really hard sometimes. Right now, I feel as though even if I do seek him, I still won't hear from him and nothing will change. 

I KNOW God speaks to me. I KNOW God shows me. I KNOW God is near me. I KNOW God will never leave me. I KNOW God hears me. I KNOW God LOVES me. 

Truth sometimes has to be declared so that it can be believed. Pray with me that this becomes real in my heart? It is the worst feeling in the world to feel isolated from God. The absolute worst.