Without Excuse

For many months I have given over to the lie that God is neither present, nor does he want me. I have believed that my prayers bounce off the ceiling. I have seen the actions of people who are loudly proclaiming that they are following Him... And I haven't wanted it. I haven't wanted to try.

There have been a few times when I did try... Did pick up my Bible. Did pray. Did decide to give Him another chance... And then every single time, either I failed or He failed. And I would quit. 

What's the point? 

Well, today, I can't answer that question for you. 

All I can say is that today, I am willing to try again. I am willing to fail. Yeah, sure, I'm scared. I don't want to again prove to myself that the things I know deep inside my heart are lies. But regardless, I am trying again. 

I grew up in a Christian home. I was homeschooled, went to church on Sunday and Wednesday, and did extremely well in Bible Quiz. I know all the right answers. Because of Bible Quiz, I even know a lot of answers no one will ever need to apply in real life. Somehow, though, it seems that no matter how many right answers a person has, one can still grow weary. One can still lose heart. 

Don't get me wrong, I never lost faith. Not completely anyway. I can still fight for the Kingdom as well as anyone. I still remain as passionate as I have ever been when it comes to discussions or when I see that someone is unbelieving. I can encourage other Christians and do all the other "right" things... But inside, I am broken. 

I'm still broken. This post is not an announcement to the world that I have it all figured out. I'm simply writing to tell you where my heart is. It has been too long. I don't know if you remember the posts I used to write... I would write all the time about what God was doing in my life and my heart. 

Lately, I have been writing because I feel like I have to. Each post has come tediously off my fingertips, one painful word at a time. 

Maybe that will change. Maybe it won't. I really don't know. Again, I'm not writing to say I have it all figured out. I'm writing to say that I'm trying. 

Yesterday I decided that I would try again--that I was willing. Today I read countless articles posted by friends on facebook that spoke to where I am. I haven't seen them before. Maybe I have been blind. But today I saw, and today I was touched by the words God had left out for me to find. 

In Romans today, I read chapter 1. I'm starting slow so that I don't burn myself out again. Chapter 1, verses 18-21 spoke a truth that I have been realizing lately. The passage is about God's wrath on ungodliness and how He gives over the ungodly to their desires since He has already made the truth clear to them. Personally, today I take heart at what else the verse says.  

"...since what can be known about God is evident among them, because God has shown it to them. For His invisible attributes, that is, His eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly seen since the creation of the world, being understood through what He has made. [!!!] As a result, people are without excuse."

That is Romans 1:19-20. Emphasis mine... I'm just amazed that we I can go through life with blinders on, saying to myself that God doesn't hear, doesn't see, and doesn't care. This little verse says that he does--and has--since the beginning of time. 

I hope my little epiphany today has helped your heart. I hope that by sharing my struggle I have helped you in yours. I hope God can use these words today to call you back to His heart. Because His heart is OH, SO GOOD. It's only that in this sin filled world it is so easy to lose sight of the things that truly matter... Keep seeing the things that God set before you at the beginning of time. They are there so that we can be without excuse. Look at the things He has made--the sky, the clouds, the flowers, your children--and remember who He is. Remember who you are.