Only Christ In Me

I broke down today. I can't do this. No, I honestly can't. It's impossible. Do you want to see?

• Almost all of my friends are at least 35 minutes away
• I'm moving. Maybe. (The maybe is the hard part)
• I think I'm supposed to go to Australia.
• I'm scared to death to go to Australia.
• I have a new job. 
• I have never waited tables before. 
• I don't know anyone.
• I don't know the menu. 
• Pricing? Yeah right!
• Tips have to be taxed. 
• I have loans. I'm not in school, I want to be going on missions, and I have loans.
• And more loans. (Kids, don't. Just don't. Loans are a terrible mess to get into.)
• In 1 year, at the hours I am working for the wages I am getting I might have a tiny bit left over after my loans are paid off.
• There's no way I can earn enough money to go to Australia.
• They want me to put in my application ASAP
• As soon as my application is accepted, I have 3 weeks to pay $800.
• Money from Frank's goes toward loans until they are gone.
• I don't have other money.
• My passport needs to be renewed.

What on earth am I doing? I don't know what I am going to teach my girls in Bible study, I don't know where these girls are going to come from or who they are, I don't know how to play the piano, I don't know why, I don't know why, I don't know why. 

I'm beginning to think that the only thing I actually do know is how to make a decent cookie. There are many people who don't mind this, but frankly it is driving me crazy.

Right now all I want to do is take things into my own hands and just say I'm going back to school where at least I will have a plan for the next three years. 

Despite my teasing, I was in tears a couple of times today praying to God to help me through this. No, it doesn't look like much, but it feels like the world is crashing down around me. 

I don't get it. When I went to the DR I didn't know how God was going to do it, but he did. Somehow $1500 came together in His hands. Then I was told to go to Africa. How on earth would He manage this? $4000? But I didn't have to worry about more than the first $50 because after that He took it in His hands and made it come together again. How many times will I have to trust that my God is big enough to do impossible things before I get it? 

I can argue with myself all I want saying that all the times before where He has provided should be enough for me to believe, but unless I simply believe, there's no reasoning it. 

When I was crying earlier, this song came on. 

Praise You In This Storm

--Casting Crowns--

I was sure by now

God You would have reached down

And wiped our tears away

Stepped in and saved the day

But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls

I barely hear Your whisper through the rain

"I'm with you"

And as Your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise the God who gives

And takes away

[Chorus:]

And I'll praise You in this storm

And I will lift my hands

For You are who You are

No matter where I am

And every tear I've cried

You hold in Your hand

You never left my side

And though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm

I remember when

I stumbled in the wind

You heard my cry to you

And you raised me up again

My strength is almost gone

How can I carry on

If I can't find You

But as the thunder rolls

I barely hear You whisper through the rain

"I'm with you"

And as Your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise the God who gives

And takes away

[Chorus]

I lift my eyes unto the hills

Where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord

The Maker of Heaven and Earth

[Chorus x2]

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. -2 Corinthians 12:9-

No, I can't do it on my own, but I don't want to. I want God to do it with me. And He will. I'm so broken... May the world always know that it is not me, but only Christ in me. I can do nothing alone.